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She was in court seeking a divorce due to something that had become apparent one morning.

The Attorney asked, “What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?“

She, “He said to me, “Where am I, Cathy?“”

Attorney, “And why did that upset you?“

She, “My name is Susan!”

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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat between them.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a federal agent, and that the dog was a “drug-sniffing dog.” He went on, “His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.“

The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the agent said “Watch this.” He told Sniffer to “search“.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm.

The agent said, “Good boy!“, turned to the man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.” “Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.” “I like it!” said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to “search” again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that.

He asked the agent, “What’s going on?“

The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb!“

I was working in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.

While trying to calm myself down, I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures and be in lots of pain, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.

When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, “Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.”

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An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.“

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, “Like hell they’re getting divorced!“

She calls her father immediately. “You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.”

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A group of men lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city. From then on their games weren’t the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the three blokes talking about the situation. She said, “You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?“

The blokes looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say, ‘Yes’, but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early, at 6:30a.m. He figured the early tee-off time would discourage her. The woman replied that it could present a problem and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said that would be okay. She smiled and said, “Good, I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.“

She showed up at 6:30 sharp and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. They were impressed and congratulated her. She was fun and a pleasant person, so back at the clubhouse they invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, “I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.”

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp but this time she played left-handed. They were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They couldn’t figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn’t seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her. The third week, the blokes had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, yet narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was attributable to petty gamesmanship on her part, however, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn’t hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all blokes were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no-one could figure out. They had a couple of beers. Finally one of the men asked her point blank, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?“

The lady blushed and grinned. “That’s easy,” she said, “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.“

The men thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of them shot back, “But what if it’s pointing straight up?”

She said, “That’s when I’ll be fifteen minutes late.”

I live in a semi rural area with lots of wildlife.  We recently had a new neighbour call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

He said the reason was that, “Too many deers are being hit by cars out here!  I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’