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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is getting out. All of a sudden they hear the doorbell ring, so his wife wraps a towel around herself and goes downstairs to answer the door.

Standing outside is their next door neighbour, Bob.

Bob gets a cheeky look on his face and tells the woman that he’ll give her $800 if she drops the towel.

She thinks about it for a few seconds, then decides to do it. She’s now standing stark naked in front of Bob, who hands over the cash and leaves.

The wife puts on her towel and goes back upstairs.

“Who was that?” her husband asks.

“Oh, just Bob,” she replies.

He then says, “Oh cool, did he mention anything about the $800 he owes me?

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A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance.

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there’s no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics.

He sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once the leopard is in earshot, the dachshund sighs contentedly and says to himself, “My, that was one tasty leopard.“

And not being of the brightest variety, the leopard immediately high-tails it out of the area.

A monkey had been watching all this go down, and, being the cheeky rascal of the jungle, decides to spill the beans to the leopard. Swinging through the trees, he eventually catches up to the leopard, and tells him that there’s no way that little dog could have eaten an entire leopard. The leopard sees he’s made a fool of himself, vows revenge, and tells the monkey to hop on his back to come watch.

A few minutes later, the dachshund sees them approaching. As they get closer, he taps his foot in apparent irritation and mutters to himself,
“Where’s that daggum monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to fetch me another leopard!”

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa.

There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, “What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?”

Grandpa says, “They’re smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you’ll get smarter.“

Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, “Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!“

Grandpa says, “See you’re getting smarter already.“

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A lawyer calls a dog as a witness.

The Judge says, “Get that dog out, it cannot be a witness.”

The Lawyer says, “Don’t worry this dog can talk. I will prove it.”

The dog is sworn on to the podium and the Lawyer begins his cross examination.

First he asks the dog, “Good morning sir, how was the road on your way here?”

The dog says, “Rough.”

Then the lawyer asks, “What is on the top of the building?”

“Roof,” the dog replies.

Then the lawyer asks the dog, “Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?”

“Ruth!” Exclaims the dog.

The judge has had enough and demands that the dog is removed from the court.

As he walks out the dog says, “Should I have said Hank Aaron?”

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A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch. However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said, “A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.“

“Then I shall fly on,” answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question, “You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?“

“The gold.” answers the student.

“Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness, because that’s more important than money,” says the teacher.

“Everyone would choose what they don’t have,” says the student.

The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, the student returns shortly afterwards, gives back his paper and says, “Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!“

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, then she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.“

He answered, “That’s okay.“

“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Good bye, Mom” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.“

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.“

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.

“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.

“How come so much? I only bought 5 items!” said the young man.

The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.“

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A bunch of men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: “Hello“
Woman: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?“
Man: “Yes“
Woman: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?“
Man: “Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much.“
Woman: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.“
Man: “How much?“
Woman: “$80,000“
Man: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.“
Woman: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000“
Man: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.“
Woman: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!“
Man: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..

He smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?“

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A man was dying. His wife sat at his bedside. He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess before I die.“

“There’s no need to, ” she replied.

“No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I must tell you. I’ve had sex with your sister, your best mate, her best mate, and your mother!“

“I know,” she replied, “now just rest and let the poison do its work.“

A man had owned a large farm in Louisiana for many years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator…‘