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A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you.“

“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour.“

“Show me,” said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety – ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, but I don’t think we could employ someone who’d be womanizing all over the country.“

“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man, “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!“

“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.

The man replied, “Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?“

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say – “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!!”

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, “Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?“

The man below says “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering 30 ft above this field.“

“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist

I am, replies to man. “How did you know?“

“Well“, says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct but it’s no use to anyone.“

The man below says “You must be in management.“

” I am” replies a balloonist. “How did you know?“

“Well,” says the man. “You don’t know where you are, where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You are in the same position you were before we met but now it’s my fault.“

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It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six, but just by the dozen.

Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six.

“I was so excited,” she told us later, “that I bought two!”

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My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”

He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “a**hole.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a “s*ithead.”

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

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Three sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 years old, live in a house together.  One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see!”
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
“Was I going up the stairs or coming down!?”

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door!”

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A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, “Where did you get that car???!!!” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “I don’t know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh No,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.“

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While reading the newspaper, I said to my wife,

“It says here that Hawaii has passed a law banning loud laughing.”

Wife:  “Really, fancy passing a law banning laughing.”

Me:  “Oh they’ve not banned it completely, it’s ok if you do it quietly.   It has to be a-low-ha.”

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