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Quote about How You Treat Life

Funny Tales of the Day

A manufacturing Company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week … Why?”

The CEO said, “Wait right here.”

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash, and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?”

From across the room, a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

Three sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 years old, live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see!”
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
“Was I going up the stairs or coming down!?”

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door!”

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, “Where did you get that car???!!!” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “I don’t know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh No,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.“

Recently, at an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled, “All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

Quote about Change in our Lives

Funny Stuff making Laughs

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Quote about How You Are Treated

Funny Stuff like a Happy Pill

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Quote about Love and Peace

Funny Stuff improves Moods

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Funny Jokes of the day

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive lady golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out from her porch, “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

I noticed she had nice svelte figure.

“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on now “, she insisted.

She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. And I was weak.

“Well okay,” I finally agreed, “But I’m sure my wife won’t like it.”

After a couple of Scotches, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile . “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything.. By the way.., where is she?“

I replied, “Still under the cart..!”

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,‘ said one boy. Several nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, so he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me…‘ He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

‘Come here quick,‘ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!’

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been telling’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord!“

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done…“

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender “If I impress you, can I have a free drink?”.

The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing music.

The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer.

Next, the man said “If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?”.

The bar tender didn’t think it was possible, so he agreed.

The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano.

The bar tender smiled and told the man that he was impressed.

A man in a suit with a cane walked into the bar, saw the small animals, and offered to buy them for $2 million. The owner said no, but he offered to sell the frog for $500k. The rich man agreed, took the frog, and left.

The bar tender couldn’t believe the owner just did that and said “Why did you just sell the frog?! There is no singing now!”.

The owner laughed and said “Don’t worry; the rat is a ventriloquist!”.