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The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” 

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. “This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

“What seems to be the problem, sir?”

“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”

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Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

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The historians had gathered for a party in Cairo, after they had discovered a new mummy.

The discovered mummy, on display at the party hall, suddenly woke up.

Seeing the historians alarmed, the mummy said that he just wanted to listen to some music.

The mummy said, “Please don’t play jazz because my trom-bones are in a very bad shape.  Could someone please put on some wrap music?”

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

A homeless man was often seen walking down the local street.  His shoes were so worn that the soles would flop around when he walked.

One day he was walking down the street when a man in a brand new Maserati and an expensive Italian suit pulled over by him.

The man asked for the homeless man to come to him.  He pulled out a thick wad of $100 bills, and held it out to the homeless man.  The homeless man was shocked.

The wealthy man pulled off the rubber band from the wad, and handed the band to the homeless man and said,

“Y’know, you could use this to keep your shoes from flopping around everywhere like that.”

---

One day this old couple were at a carnival.

The man said to his wife, “Honey, can we go on the helicopter ride?”
The wife says, ”No, it says to be quiet so the pilot can focus, but you always shout. Even though, it says it’s $10, and I didn’t bring my money.”
The man keeps asking his wife until the pilot came up to them, “Hey, I heard you guys wanted to have a ride.”
The wife explained that her husband can’t be quiet and they didn’t have any money on them.

The pilot says, “Look, I’ll give you a ride for free, only if you guys are silent. No sounds. Or else I’m dropping you off.”
The husband says he’ll be quiet, and so, they go on.

They take off, and the couple are quiet. The pilot tries to make them scream, so he does a couple flips, but they stay silent.
The pilot thinks, I need to make the scream. So he does his signature move, the tornado. He goes around and around sideways, getting closer and closer together. He does this risky move, but they stay quiet.

After he drops them off, he says,
“Man, I tried to make you guys scream, but you stayed quiet. Good job!”

The husband says, “Yeah, it was hard. I almost screamed when my wife fell out, but I kept my mouth shut!”

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

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“Make me one with everything,” says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a twenty dollar bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, “Where is my change?”

The vendor replies, “Change comes from within.”

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

My friend told me this joke about a party host who made his guests line up for juice…

I can’t seem to remember the entire joke, but all I know is that there was a long punch line.

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it.

“Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.

Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!” 

Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.

John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”

Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”

---

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, I’ve been driving a funeral hearse for the last 15 years.”

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.

“Help! Is there anybody up there?” he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge, “I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”

“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.

“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “Is there anybody ELSE up there?”

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

The pedestrian light on the street corner near our office, beeps when it’s safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with a co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

A teacher says to his straight-F pupil, “With grades like this you’ll never achieve anything in your life. You’ll end up a loser”

Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and agrees to save him for free.

After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room.

He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.

---

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor.”

The American scoffed. “I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “Fifteen or twenty years.”

“But what then?”

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”

“Millions? Then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends.”

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.

“This must be a mistake,” the man says. “I’ve been here only 20 minutes!”

“No mistake,” the doctor says. “It’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” 

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

A young man read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. 

“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious young man. He ordered some. 

He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container. 

“Wait a minute,” the young man said. “Those don’t look fat-free.” 

“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free!”