---

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime.

After three of their neighbours houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So the young wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”

The clerk replied, “Sorry, we’re all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But, he does know karate”.

The wife didn’t believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, “Karate that chair.”

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces.

Then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.”

The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat sceptical about the Scottie dog’s abilities as a guard dog.

When she told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, “Karate my ass.”

To this very day, he is still in the hospital…..

---

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

---

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died. In heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.”

“Doberman, what do you believe in?” asked God.

The doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”

“Aha,” said God, “you may sit to my left.”

Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

The cat replied, “I believe you are sitting in my seat.”

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.

Man: “Hi! I am so happy to see you.”

Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

Man: “It’s been 10 years!”

With this information, the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

Man: “Thank you so much!”

Girl: “So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?”

Man: “It’s been 10 years!”

The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whisky and gives the man a drink.

Man: “Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!”

Girl (starting to slowly unzip the front of her wet suit): “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?”

Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there, too!”

---

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

“Look, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea” she replied, “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own damn blanket.”

---

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

---

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop.

He finds one and then begs “Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father’s in a fight.”

Well, they get back to the bar and there’s three guys fighting like you wouldn’t believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says “Okay, which one’s your father?”

The kid looks up at the cop and says, “I don’t know, officer, that’s what they’re fighting about.”

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”

The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.”

Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”

“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”

“That’s great”, said Little Johnny, ”Coz he’d be in trouble if he needed glasses.”

---

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi, and he needed a loan. So he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the vehicle’s documents and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

---

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another ….

---

A man, toolbox in hand, rang the doorbell. A woman answered.

He said, “Good morning. I’ve come to fix the pipe. I’m the plumber.”

She says, “But I didn’t call a plumber.”

He asks, “Aren’t you Mrs Foster?”

She replies, “No, she moved a year ago.”

He says, “How do you like that? They ask for a plumber, saying it’s an emergency, and then they move.”

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another …

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness Brewery …”

“Oh no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me ..”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m so sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, Brenda …. no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

More Jokes on the website

---

A WOMAN RAN A RED TRAFFIC LIGHT and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but, fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75-year-old scotch didn’t break. Surely, God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman.

The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asked “Aren’t you having any?”

She replied “Nah, I THINK I’LL JUST WAIT FOR THE POLICE”

---

Hope you enjoyed that joke, here is another ….

---

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver who looks a bit like him, “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees, “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”

“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, sits in the audience.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says, “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

More Jokes soon……..