Karate Dog (Joke of the Day)

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime.

After three of their neighbours houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So the young wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”

The clerk replied, “Sorry, we’re all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But, he does know karate“.

The wife didn’t believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, “Karate that chair.”

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces.

Then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.”

The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat sceptical about the Scottie dog’s abilities as a guard dog.

When she told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, “Karate my ass.”

To this very day, he is still in the hospital…..

One Eyed Suspect (Joke of the Day)

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!“

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.“

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?“

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!“

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?“

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.“

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy…” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.“

Lost and Found (Joke of the Day).

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ” Hello ? “

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

” Yes ,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?“

The child whispered, ” No .”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?“

” Yes .”

“May I talk with her?“

Again the small voice whispered, ” No .”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?“

” Yes ,” whispered the child, ” a policeman “.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?“

“No, he’s busy“, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?“

“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?“

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… ” ME!!

Tempting Test (Joke of the Day).

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is, Always keep your condoms in your car.

Fascinating Random Facts #112

More random Amazing and Fascinating Facts from around our world that you may not be aware of, that it is hoped will entertain you.

Candles were once eaten in famines.
They used to be mainly created from beef fat or bees wax, and so they were often stolen in famines for people to eat.

The tiny pocket in your jeans was designed to hold pocket watches. It was needed for cowboys in the 1800s, although now it’s mainly a decorative feature.

During the 2024 summer Olympics, four sports made their debut.
Climbing, breaking, skateboarding, and surfing.

Onions are a natural remedy for clearing a blocked nose.
The sulfur content in the vegetable is thought to draw mucus out of the body.

Each zodiac sign belongs to an element.
Fire signs are Aries, Leo, Sagittarius. Water signs are Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Air signs are Gemini, Libra, Aquarius. Earth signs are Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn.

Ant-eaters have no teeth
and instead use their tongue to eat food.

The name LEGO came from the Danish words “Leg Godt”,
which means “play well.“

Walt Disney was nominated for a grand total of 59 of Academy Awards during his amazing career, and the number that he won was 26 which is an outstanding achievement.

Queen Elizabeth II was a trained mechanic. When she was 16, the Queen joined the British employment agency at the Labour Exchange and learned the basics of truck repair. Apparently, she can repair tires and repair engines.

You can’t hum if you hold your nose.
Hands up if you just tried it!

A little frolic in the night – (Joke for Your Day)

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm…

…and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed.” she explained. “And I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.“

“Don’t worry.” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.“

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, “Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?“

“Yes, I do.” said Keith.

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?“

“Well, um, yes!” Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.“

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?“

Keith’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

John replied, “Well, she just died and left me everything.“

Funny Story about Nude Women in a Pond.

A man had owned a large farm in Louisiana for many years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator…‘

Still Hot for Him! – (Joke for Your Day)

A couple of Oldies are sitting at the breakfast table on their 50th Wedding Anniversary reminiscing over the past half a ton they’d spent together.

The old woman says to the bloke “You know what dear? We were probably sitting here 50 years ago doing exactly the same thing, only difference is we were naked at the time.“

So, he looks at her, she looks at him, next thing you know they’re both stripped off naked like they were 50 years prior.

She says to him, “You know what? My nipples are as hot for you now as they were 50 years ago.“

He replies, “Yeah? That’s because one’s in the tea-pot and the other is in your bowl of porridge!!”

Dad ringing home (Joke for Your Day)

A little girl answers the phone: “Hello.”

He says,  “Hi honey, this is Daddy.  Is Mummy near the phone?”

She replies,  “No Daddy.  She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey you don’t have an Uncle Paul.”

She replies,  “Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy right now.”

After a brief pause, he says, “Uh, OK then, I want you to put the phone down and run upstairs, and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy’s car just pulled up.”

She says, “OK Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone, and says, “I did it Daddy.”

He asks, “and what happened honey?”

She replied, “Well Mummy got scared, jumped out of bed naked and ran around screaming, then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she’s not moving at all.”

He exclaims, “Oh my gosh!  What about Uncle Paul?”

She says, “He leapt out of bed and jumped outta the back window into the pool.  But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it.  He hit the bottom of it and I think he’s dead!”

There is a really long pause.

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool?  Is this 486-5732?”

The little girl replies, “No, I think you have the wrong number!”

Fascinating Random Facts #111

These are some more Amazing and Interesting Random Facts from our world that you may not be aware of, that it is hoped will fascinate and surprise you.

There’s a fruit that tastes like chocolate pudding.
Can we get in on this? Apparently, there’s a fruit native to Central and South America called blacksapote that tastes like chocolate and sweet custard.

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You can hear a Blue Whale’s heartbeat from over 2 miles away.
Blue whales weigh an average of between 130,000 and 150,000kg, with their heart’s weighing roughly 180kg.

The last letter added to the English alphabet was ‘J’.
The letter dates backto 1524, and before that the letter ‘i’ was used for both the ‘i’ and ‘j’ sounds.

There is actually a word for someone giving an opinion on something they know nothing about. An ‘ultracrepidarian‘ is someone who voices thoughts beyond their expertise.

The Chupa Chups logo was designed by Salvador Dalí.
The surrealist artist designed the logo in 1969.

Ketchup was once sold as medicine. The condiment was prescribed and sold to people suffering with indigestion back in 1834.

The world’s longest walking distance is 14,000 miles.
You can walk from Magadan in Russia to Cape Town in South Africa. It requires no flying or sailing, just bridges and open roads.

The moon has moonquakes.
They happen due to tidal stresses connected to the distance between the moon and
the Earth.

Everyone’s tongue print is different.
Like the fingerprint, it has unique features that differ from person to person.

You can’t hum if you hold your nose.
Hands up if you just tried it!

Riddles to Challenge Your Day

Who doesn’t love brain teasers and challenging riddles? Riddles can range from simple and easy to solve, to serious brain-busters. Some of these might take some big-time brain power to solve, but it sure feels great when you do.

If you think you’re already a pro at solving tricky riddles, put yourself to the test with these and find out!

Riddle: I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but come alive with wind. What am I?

Answer: An echo.

Riddle: What tastes better than it smells?

Answer: A Tongue

Riddle: Before Mt Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest, it just wasn’t discovered yet.

Riddle: You cannot keep this until you have given it. What is it?

Answer: A Promise.

Riddle: What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

Answer: A Shoe.

Riddle: The maker doesn’t want it, the buyer doesn’t use it and the user doesn’t see it. What is it?

Answer: A Coffin.

Riddle: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?

Answer: A Hole.

Riddle: You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. The wind is my enemy. What am I?

Answer: A Candle.

Fascinating Random Facts #110

Here are some Amazing and Interesting Random Facts from our world that you may not be aware of, that it is hoped will fascinate and surprise you.

Avocados are a fruit, not a vegetable. They’re technically considered a single-seeded berry, believe it or not.

The Eiffel Tower can be 15 cm taller during the summer, due to thermal expansion meaning the iron heats up, the particles gain kinetic energy and take up more space.

Allodoxaphobia is the fear of other people’s opinions.
It’s a rare socialphobia that’s characterised by an irrational and overwhelming fear of what other people think.

Australia is wider than the moon.
The moon sits at 3400km in diameter, while Australia’s diameter from east to west is almost 4000km.

‘Mellifluous’ is a sound that is pleasingly smooth and musical to hear.

Human teeth are the only part of the body that cannot heal themselves.
Teeth are coated in enamel which is not a living tissue.

The Ancient Romans used to drop a piece of toast into their wine for good health. Hence that is why we ‘raise a toast’.

Studies reveal that People are more creative in the shower.
When we take a warm shower, we experience an increased dopamine flow that makes us more creative.

Competitive art used to be an Olympic sport.
Between 1912 and 1948, the international sporting events awarded medals for music, painting, sculpture and architecture. Shame it didn’t catch on, the famous pottery scene in Ghost could have won an Olympic medal as well as an Academy Award for the best screenplay.

The Japanese word ‘Kuchi zamishi’ is the act of eating when you’re not hungry because your mouth is lonely.
We do this all the time.

Upset wife, Dogs and Ladders – (Jokes for your Day)

She was in court seeking a divorce due to something that had become apparent one morning, and she was on the stand ready for questioning.

The Attorney asked, “What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?“

She, “He said to me, “Where am I, Cathy?“”

Attorney, “And why did that upset you?“

She, “My name is Susan!”

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat between them.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a federal agent, and that the dog was a “drug-sniffing dog.” He went on, “His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.“

The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the agent said “Watch this.” He told Sniffer to “search“.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm.

The agent said, “Good boy!“, turned to the man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”

“I like it!” said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to “search” again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that.

He asked the agent, “What’s going on?“

The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb!“

I was working in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.

While trying to calm myself down, I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures and be in lots of pain, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.

When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, “Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.”

When You want Your Way – (Joke for your Day).

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem, how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a lovely widow who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer replied “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested “Why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand.“

“Why, thank you very much, that works just fine!” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he said “Let’s take my usual shortcut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.“

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me … How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t have your way with me?”

The farmer said with some irritation, “Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I do that?“

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

The Napoleonic Hoax – A true brief tale. Free online.

Bartholomew Lane, in London’s financial district, is where travellers can visit the Bank of England Museum. But the short thoroughfare was once home to the London Stock Exchange, the scene of an 1814 hoax that was as audacious as it was profitable. In February of that year, British Lord Thomas Cochrane and accomplice Captain de Berenger sparked bedlam on England’s financial markets.

Their scam began when de Berenger donned a military costume and told people in Dover, England, he’d arrived from Paris.  He said Emperor Napoleon had just been killed, and France was about to be defeated by the Allies, a group of European nations including Great Britain.

The good news spread swiftly.  When London’s stock exchange opened the next day, trading boomed.  In anticipation of this, Cochrane had stockpiled government bonds, which he immediately sold at a great margin.

Soon, however, Napoleon was proven to be alive, and the financial fraud was exposed.  Cochrane was tried, and he attempted, unsuccessfully, to shift blame to de Berenger.  He was found guilty and then fled England, leaving a brazen stain on Bartholomew Lane.

The Satirical sketch below was published in the newspapers about the Hoax.

A New Player on the Golf Team – (Joke for your Day)

A group of men lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city, and from then onwards their games weren’t the same without him.

A new woman had recently joined their Club. She overheard the three blokes talking about the situation. She said, “You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?“

The blokes looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say, ‘Yes’, but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early, at 6:30a.m. He figured the early tee-off time would discourage her. The woman replied that it could present a problem and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said that would be okay. She smiled and said, “Good, I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.“

She showed up at 6:30 sharp and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. They were impressed and congratulated her. She was fun and a pleasant person, so back at the clubhouse they invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, “I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.”

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp but this time she played left-handed. They were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They couldn’t figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn’t seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her. The third week, the blokes had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, yet narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was attributable to petty gamesmanship on her part, however, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn’t hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all blokes were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no-one could figure out. They had a couple of beers. Finally one of the men asked her point blank, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?“

The lady blushed and grinned. “That’s easy,” she said, “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.“

The men thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of them shot back, “But what if it’s pointing straight up?”

She said, “That’s when I’ll be fifteen minutes late.”