Shadowed by Fate – a Victorian Era novelette

Experience a classic style Victorian era novelette set in England. Re-live their style of writing and social attitudes.

Savour the classic writing style of the Victorian era with it’s romance, murder, betrayal and more in this story of a young woman’s secret desire that quickly developed into a secret romance which led an escapade with her beau who had undisclosed dark secrets and ill intent. Could she survive it all?

This is available for your enjoyment in eBook and Book at many online stores, which can be found via the publisher https://books2read.com/u/47ypAA

Are these Jokes from 1925 still amusing?

She became engaged to a handsome foreigner. He was a nobleman in his own country.  One day she told him how she had to fight to love him.

“My father,” she said, “is always saying that he would give a thousand dollars if I never do see you again.”

The nobleman jumped to his feet and cried, “Is he is in his office now?”

——–

She said, “I can’t help it if I’m not perfect. There’s only been one perfect little girl.“

Her Mother, “Oh, and who was that?“

She, “You, mummy, when you were little.“

——–

The prisoner was not professionally represented.  Before proceeding with the case, the Judge said, “This is a very serious offence you are charged with.  If you are convicted it means a long term of imprisonment.  Have you no counsel to look after your defense?“

The prisoner in the most confidential manner leaned toward the judge and replied, “No, your honor, I have no counsel, but I do have some very good friends on the jury.“

——–

The motorist had just been stopped by a policeman.

“But this is preposterous,” he said. “I’m an experienced driver. What I know about driving would fill a book.“

“Maybe, sir,” calmly retorted the Policemen, “but what you don’t know would fill a hospital. Name and address, please.“

——–

A Scotsman and a Jew were brought before the Magistrate charged with drunkenness.

The Magistrate looked at them intently for a time, and then asked, “Where is the other man?“

On the Spanish Main – a short tale, free online.

I owned a little merchant sailing vessel, and I was on the ocean blue with a cargo of sugar. I was shouting out orders at the top of my voice when the “look-out” man came down from the “crow’s nest” at the masthead.

  “Well, what do you want, my good fellow?” I said to him, as he came up.

  “Ship to windward of us, sir.  She looks like a pirate,” he answered me.

  “Full sail ahead!” I yelled. “Every stitch of canvas you’ve got. Quicks the word!”  Then I went forward to tell the mate about it.

He went on deck to have a look at it. “Looks mighty suspicious, eh, Cap’n?” he asked.

I replied, “I think it is a pirate.”

  In the morning I found the supposed pirate was closer than it had been the previous day.  It was so close that I gave orders to get the guns loaded and for a pistol and a cutlass to be given round to each member of the crew.

  In an hour it was within cannon range, so she sent a cannon ball across our bows and hoisted the “Skull and Cross-bones” to the masthead.   I ordered the gunner to fire a shot at them.   He did so, and snapped their mast off about six feet from the deck, and we rent the air with a lusty cheer.

  We didn’t cheer when, the next minute, our main and mizzenmasts fell with a crash to the deck, killing several men as it went over the side.

  In a few minutes the pirate ship was alongside, and a horde of filthy pirates swarmed on the deck. We were outnumbered twelve to one, and were soon captured.  The pirates made all the crew that were captured, to walk the plank, and I came last.  I had my arms tied behind me so that I could not swim, and as I walked towards the end of the plank I saw the sharks swimming about that had eaten my comrades.

  Crash!  Splash!  Bang!  I woke with a start as I remembered I had been reading a pirate story, had gone to sleep and dreamt of pirates, and must have fallen out of bed!

THE END.

More Funny Tales of the Day

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, I’ve been driving a funeral hearse for the last 15 years.”

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.

“Help! Is there anybody up there?” he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge, “I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”

“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.

“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “Is there anybody ELSE up there?”

The pedestrian light on the street corner near our office, beeps when it’s safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with a co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”

A teacher says to his straight-F pupil, “With grades like this you’ll never achieve anything in your life. You’ll end up a loser”

Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and agrees to save him for free.

After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room.

He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.

The Squire’s Granddaughters – A Victorian era Novelette

Angela Raeburn who had grown into a beautiful young woman, did not realise that her adoptive mother was hiding Angela’s true identity of high social status, her Grandfather’s wealth, and a malicious sister. Also some people known to her were plotting to gain her romantic favor, eliminate other suitors, commit robbery, to gain access to the wealth and status that was unknown to Angela. She shunned the advances of the man she loved who she thought was above her social standing. Could she endure the many obstacles that lay ahead?

Read Chapter 1 on the web site at www.looknintoit.com/stories&books/ to see if interests you.

Obtain it in eBook or Book at many online stores via the publisher at https://books2read.com/u/bxGQzd

Have you seen the Butcher Dance? (Joke)

A guy spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film — or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well earned beer.

He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

“Butcher Dance?” he said, confused. “What’s that?“

“What? You didn’t see the Butcher Dance?“

“No, I’ve never heard of it.”

“Mate, you’re crazy,” the Aborigine replied. “How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven’t seen the Butcher Dance?“

“Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?“

“No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree.“

“Oh,” the man said, his curiosity piqued. “Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?“

“Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It’ll take you many days of travel to go see it.“

“Look, I’ve been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance.“

“Ok, mate,” the Aborigine replied, shrugging. “You drive north along the highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you’ll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree — the biggest tree you’ve ever seen. Here you gotta leave car, because it’s much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you’ll find where the creek flows out of some rocky mountains, but it’s much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It’ll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock — twenty feet high and shaped like a man’s head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you’ll find the village. You’ll be able to see the Butcher Dance there.“

So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and his vehicle was forced to crawl along at a snail’s pace, and so he didn’t reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.

He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag, but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life’s dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek.

When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.

“Oh mate,” he said. “Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance.“

“Well, when do you hold the next dance?“

“Not till next year.“

“Well, I’ve come all this way. Couldn’t you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?“

“No, no, no!” the chief exclaimed. “Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year.“

Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it.

But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.

Then, before they had traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been traveling, they staggered into the village right at noon.

“The Butcher Dance!” the man gasped. “Please don’t tell me I’m too late to see it!“

The chief recognized him and said, “No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time.“

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night’s ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds’ feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.

“What’s he doing?” the man whispered to the chief.

“Hush,” the chief whispered back. “You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year.”

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy became caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing: “You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about….“

What was in the huge hole? (Joke) plus more

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they’re walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole. I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?“

The second hunter says, “I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.“

The first hunter says, “There’s an old gearbox over there, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see“.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, then gazing into the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

“Say there“, says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?“

The first hunter says “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!“

And the old farmer said… “Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to an old gearbox!“

A number of years ago, the city’s Symphony was playing Beethoven’s Ninth under the baton of a famous conductor.

At this point, you must understand two things:

  1. There’s a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don’t have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
  2. There was a tavern right across the street from the Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, “Shouldn’t we be getting back? It’d be awfully embarrassing if we were late.“

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, “Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor’s score. When he gets down to there, Milton’s going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other.“

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor’s face told them they were in serious trouble. The conductor was furious!

And why not? After all…

It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

At the Pearly Gates (Joke) Plus more…

A man died and went to Heaven. St Peter says to him “Before you meet with God, I should tell you, we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a little old lady who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this lady or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive. When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

Two drunken Irishmen in a graveyard. Paddy starts reading the gravestones.

“Mick” he says, “Would you look at this, a feller here who was 90 when he died!“

“Who’s that?” says Mick.

“Somebody called O’Toole from Kerry,” he replies.

Mick says, “Never mind him, there’s a feller here called Murphy, was 99 when he died! From Castletown of all places!“

“Well that’s nothing!” says Paddy.

“What about what written on this feller’s stone, here right beside the gate!“

“The stone says 147!“

“147? thats amazing!“ says Mick.

“Who was he?“

“Well according to the stone, its somebody called Miles from Dublin…!“

Three couples are tested (Joke of the Day)

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
 

“If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex,” says the priest.
 

One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, “Have you completed the month with sex?“
 

“Yes we have, it was easy,” replies the elderly couple.


“How about you?” He asks the middle-aged couple.


“It was hard, but we didn’t have sex for the whole month,” they respond.
 

“And how about you two?” He asks the young couple.


 “No we couldn’t do it,” responds the boyfriend.


 “Tell me why,” says the priest.


“Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that’s when it happened.“


The priest then tells them, “You’re not welcome in my church.“


The boyfriend says, “We’re not welcome in the supermarket either.“

Missing Lunch Item, Plus (Jokes of the Day)

A food critic visits a local restaurant to review its food for the town magazine.

The owner welcomes him and shows him to the table. The food is presented to him and after a while, the critic calls the owner to say that there is something missing in his bowl of soup.

The owner asks whether it is too spicy or sweet or salty. When the food critic says no, the owner decides to taste the soup himself but he can’t find the spoon.

“Yeah,” says the critic, “that’s what is missing.“

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

‘Hey,‘ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!‘

His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.‘

For a high school dance, the head boy asked out the girl he liked.

To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. To make things worse, he had to wait another hour in a line outside the tuxedo shop.

Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. The girl wanted to have some apple punch, so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.

My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter.

On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.

“So, Katie,” said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, “who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?“

Katie replied, “I think it’s my uncle Brian.“

Too Many Beans (Joke of the Day)

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests were seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday!”